i dont like people playing on my phone.
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there are only so many ways to stalk people you once knew. like looking through the myspace pages of the kids you sorta went to high school with. when your grad class was 200 you cant really spend that much time looking for some strand of connection close to what held you together as children. these are the people that used to call you a crack head, people that you would probably be happy to see. is it that you want to be found by some other lonely bored, curious alumni tat you also list your graduating year from the same high school? find me look for me love me, everyone wants their 15 min of fame. does that make you weaker? giving in to this little bit of humanity? if i feel like i am loosing control of the huge thick iron fortress i have built around me i start to go crazy. case in point tonight. i started to see things. i think i am getting lost in my mind. if i came out with it. really talked about whet was going on, the crazy things i was thinking, then i think i might get committed. not that i want to hurt anyone or myself. but these delusions, the preoccupations. am i working to much? not sleeping enough? is it the flea medication i use on my cat? the pot that i have been smoking? all my life i have been trying to keep things from changing, not little things but big things. but now that I'm so fed up . to the point where i want things to change, i have to wait till i come back, to really make any big decisions. i want him so bad, but investing all of my time and energy and love into someone that like everyone els will just up and leave. i don't think i can do it. i don't think I'm strong enough. just loosing crushes devastates my life and makes me retreat. for months. where is this all coming from? where did my self worth self confidence go? is it time to start anew? why not just abstain from everything and save my self a whole lot of hurt? i just want to touch his shoulder, and talk to him with out babbling about things i don't really care about. how do you talk normally with someone that invades your every waking moment?-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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i read this: sleep- |