i think life since the earlier entries has gotten more paranoid and less fun. i find myself being this old bitter harpy and i dont remember when it started. i dont want to be like this anymore but all o can do is stress out about not being as good as i want to be in school. i think that it has been effecting my ability to actually live my life. however when i was not in school i became this way.

lately i just keep asking myself. " why do i care?" why to i care about all these things that ultimitly just make me more paranoid and freaked out? really it is compleately stupid because who the fuck cares? i dont, i dont really think that i care about anyone else. i mean if they all make my life harder, obligations to hang out with people, stuff i have to do because it makes other people feel better. what if i just want to stay in my house? like a crazy angry buitter cat lady. what i really want is something interesting, something new to make life happy. but am i just looking for another distraction?

i can not tell if my mind moves to fast or if my mind is slower than other peoples.