can you tell i'm in a really really shitty mood. eliska and tomio finally revealed their love for eachother. it was beautiflul he was closing and she said to him " dont forget to check the balconys" but he thought she said "dont forget to check your pockets" so he spends an hour checking all of his pockets . then when he finally gets to the balcony she is there waiting for him in the dark.fast forward. just when they are about to kiss paul the manager walks in on them. ..... fucking priceless.

i love that they are happy i really do. it just makes me misreble because i am so fat that no one will ever love me.

i whish them all the happiness in the world . it's just , i dont need them watching what THEY want in MY room. i dont need to beable to hear their lips smaking while i'm trying to ignor thir stupid movies.

does that make me a bitch? cos i'm trying to let them do their thing. i just dont want to be forced to watch it and listen to it in surround sound.

maybe when i find someone i love i will feel diffrently about it.

i just want to die. well.... not exist anymore. i think that would be best. i cant feel good. about anything. well, i feel good about driving. and i feel good about looking for and buying a car. but ..... with myself.... i just want not to exist. i suppose i'm just depressed. but there are times in the day when i dont feel sad.... actually i dont feel sad. i feel ..... blank.... void of everything.

everytime i eat all i can think about it how fucking fat i am. everytime i look at a guy or am alone on the street all i can think about it how everyone thinks i'm horribly ugly. i hate him for saying those things to me. i hate him for making me feel this way. i hate him for compleately ignoring me and i hate myself for letting the words of a compleate asshole effect me. i fucking hate it. i fucking hate everything.

i miss highschool. where peoples opinions didnt matter to me so much. i was doing my own thing with my own friends and it was fun. i didnt have to work and i wasnt so aware. so fucking aware of everyones opinions.

jelousy. horriffic. eliska has men flocking to her like ants to sugar. most of it i caould do with out. because these guys dont just get crushes they get full on obsessions. but i can see that the guys i like just pass me off and look straight twords her. i dont think they see that i can tell but it is there.

am i creating this in my head? my on private reality? do they ask about her and think about her because i think that they do? am i looking for excuses? why they wouldnt like me/ why i'm not aprochable?

i think it is because i'm just a horrible person. but what's the point, right? the outside of me is fat and ugly so who would ever want to get to know the inside. what is the point of refining the inner me? no one will ever know it. they won't want to take the time.

if i had a lawn i would go out an lie on it. but instead i have concreate in fron tof a freeway.

fuckeverything. it's just, sammy has tal over, and eliska has tomio over. and i feel so left out and utterly alone that it, it just hurts really bad.