smoking chewys. smoking cigarettes. smoking pot. lying on his bed watching tv. cold wet darkness when the power would get turned off. walkng to his house to home to his touse to home. bumping into things. convinced that he loved me and if only i had a car and my own place he would dump his girl. convinced he cared about me. convinced it wasn't just about what he could get out of the relationship... what he could take from me... hours spent at his house talking to his mom. talking to his friend.. waiting for him. convinced he could hear me think.

i've decided it was the drugs. i've decided it was the drugs. i've decided it was the drugs.... but was it.... am i not worth him? was i to good? why do i even care about him anymore... why does it still hurt me? why do i smile when he calls. why do i seek him out? what is wrong with me?

i'm just trying to let go. i'm just trying to let go. i'm trying to let go.

just to let him go. let him go. just go

tears that wont come.. i remember a time when all i did was cry myself to sleep. does not being able to cry mean that i dont have tears to cry? or that i....somewhere deep inside relize that he isn't worth it.

i told my mom i needed help and she gave it. she gaave me help but i can feel her dissapointment.. i could feel it through the phone. and it hurt that i was hurting her. that i was letting her down that i couldn't say.. i'm doing fine. you raised a good girl and i'm getting A's and going to a four year school and i'm going to do good in life and all the money you poured into me is going to pay off. i couldn't say it. and i hurt. i hurt her. i hurt. i hurt. everythings hurt.

its good minute by minute but it hurts late at night when there is just me and the computer sitting on a grey couch. the time at night when all you want to do is crawl into bed with your parents and spoon. late at night when the smell of your mom is the only thing that will mend your heart.

i used to feel that way a lot when all i needed to do was walk downstairs. but the morning always comes. when you don't need their help anymore because the sunlight makes it easier. but they have questions. they want to know why. and you cant bring yourself to tell them. you dont want the disaproval. not like that. not the way they disaprove of others and your friends... i don't want my mom to judge me with the same eyes that will no longer watch woody allen movies because he married his adopted daughter.

i dont know anymore.