i think that if i do not get the albany cos then i will start looking for a new job. possibly phone sex. i think it pays well. i think it pays really well. it is bill week... it seemes like each time we pay them they just come back to us.

i think i have a 2 year thing about jobs. much like thatgirls 2 year thing about boyfriends. i also think that i am getting fatter. something must be done about that. i wish i hadhad a running streak when it was sunny. why do i always feel like its good to run when it rains. last year i was going to the gym all the time and kicking it at thatboys on the way back. this was when i was doing all of that coke. it was a night after it was raining all day when terra broke my pipe on the front steps... that fucking bitch! i could never smoke weed and be ok again. she fucking cursed me.

i think that is why i get so stressed out now. i cant just relax and just lay there like a sloth i have to do stuff or my mind is racing all the time. , well i guess my mind was racing then too however i think it was a diffrent kind of relaxation. i used to love getting high and just streching with the lights off.

anyway. i cried and cried and cried in the bathroom after stuart yelled at me. people think i'm rude. we fuck.... i think they are rude. stuart doesnt think door is good for me because i fht isolation from other people. i was suprised he used those words and then i relized he was very very right. i fucking wilt like a hot flower when i cant interact with people. when i can talk to friendly non stupid pretentious people i feel great. i like making people smile. but when i have to constantly watch other people and police them and answer the same questions over and over and over. it's like come on people, use some fucking common sense.

the other day i was having a horrible dream. this girl kept dragging me around and talking about her boy problems . i wouldnt have minded but my father was dyig of cancer and i wanted to leave. so i could go see him. i didnt want to be rude though because she was hurting. and i knew that if i told her i had to go she would get all huffy and bitchy and take it the wrong way. i wanted to kill her because she was preventing me from being with my dad as he was dying. oh it was horrible.