i feel fat and ugly and i am super drunk with the beginnings of a headache.

eliska and i went to radio for this gals b-day. i dont really know her but she is wicked awesome. i drank a little , well a lot at home and then had 3 or 4 drinks while i was there. they were weak as shit. the bartender totally sucked, but there was good music and tons of hot hipster guys to look at.

it is so fucking confusing liking charming asshole. it's like, i love being around him. when he isnt being a little shit we have a lot in common. he isnt stupid like the majority of cal students i know. he is perceptive and prettymuch gets all of my movie references. but he sends me mixed signals. when we walk together he constantly bumps into me. he notices things about me that mast people just let slip by. the thing is that i think the reason he is sending mixed signals is because his girlfriend lives in la and he doesnt get any action on a regular basis. and that is another thing. I AM NOT A HOMEWRECKER. which i think is perfectly illustrated in the thatboy diarys. what goes around comes around and i dont believe in that shit. so the problem arises. do i really have feelings for him or is it just because i'm bored and he pays attention to me. do i want to invest time into forming a relationship (friend or more) with him or will he ultimately just let me down like somany before? he is so guarded. eliska says that he must hate himself. but alteast she doesnt dislike him anymore. she says that the side of him that shone through before was his insecure side. and now that he feels more comfortable he warms up better.

why does all of this shit matter???

why do i feel so sick, in so many difrfrent ways. i feel like throwing up. i feel like sleeping, i feel like taking a shower,

i wish i could cut everything out of my head that felt anything sexual and just live my life in peace.

thats another thing. right off the bat. i dont think we are compatible. i think he is just into vanilla sex.

i feel like my heart is breaking and it doesnt even have to do with him.

jason is so fucking hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he looked really good tonight. so did tommy.

i dont think i;m going to drink for a while.

did i mention that sammy got everything taken care of today?

thats what she said. i'm so happy.