i woke up wondering if i am racist. maybe it was just because i was watching Wet Hot American Summer but do i rerally come off as a racist? it seemes stupid to me but then later today i watched Love Object with eliska and after we went to get jack in the crack. us being the poor poor gals that we are we both needed to use our cards. she asked if we could do two seperate orders and the lady said no. so we just do one order. after placing the order i am miffed at the minor inconvienance. so i start bitching. eliska always one to fight for the underdog turns it into another "you are so fucking judgemental" discussion to wich we never see eye to eye about. she says that it is probabbly new company policy to which i probabbly said something like " no the stupid bitch probabbly just didnt want to do it." so eliska says "how could you possibly know that" and i say "because i can read her mind" so she comes up with "yeah you see that she works at jack in the box and cant speak english verywell and come up with that."

woah there pardner. where the fuck did that come from. girl threw a curve ball at me. i finally relized that she really did believe that i am racist and that i needed to do something which i am never very good at which is explain myself.

i told her that no i didnt think she was stupid because she worked at a jack in the box because i worked in a fucking macdonalds and i dont think of my self as stupid....well not really in that way..... plus i didnt even know that she didnt speak english well because she took the order fine and there were no problems at all .... it didnt even registar in my head that she might not have spoken english as a first language. i just cant believe that she would keep coming at me with this shit. i told her that it really hurt me that she would think so low of me. that everybody generalizes and quick judgements could save your fucking life.. it is wrong to discriminate against people based on race or anything else for t hat matter and i hope that she relizzes that i dont do it. but i will make judgments on groups of people. masses. i will say things like i hate asian people. i am fucking asian for god sakes and i have asian friends. but when i see a little asian girl running down the street crying (like today ) i dont spit on her and call her a stupid chink. i make thatgirl bust a u turn and pull the car over so i can offer the little asian girl my cell phone and possibly even take her where she needs to go. i suppose if you want to live on a high horse then generalizing and judgements are wrong but i live in the real world and if you get mugged by 3 getto looking youths (regardless of race), say 3 times, the 4th time you walk down the street and see a bunch of getto youth on yourside of the street coming twords you, you are gonna cross the street.

i dont know what i am trying to say. or even how i can prove my point to her. i think she was just pissed because she found out her boyfriend was hanging out with a girl all day while she wantd to hang out with him. that and the fact that i called the girl he was kicking it with a skank because i have known her since elementry school and that is my opinion of her. i just dont understand why she needs to take it out on me. actually i dont really get her at all. she is a lot of fun to hang out with and i care about her a lot but for a psych major she sure takes everything at face value. maybe that is why we clash a lot. i look at the feeling... and she looks at the words. all i know for sure is that no matter what kind od subterfudge my dreams give me or judgements made on me I AM NOT A RACIST