i love working in a theater sometimes.

i know most of these songs but not all of them. i'm more famlliar with bjork,post,telegram and thanks to sharon, play dead... which is an awesome fucking song...

1. All Is Full of Love, 2. Hyperballad, 3. Human Behavior,4. Joga, 5. Bachelorette, 6. Army of Me, 7. Pagan Poetry, 8. Big Time Sensuality, 9. Venus as a Boy, 10. Hunter, 11. Hidden Place, 12. Isobel, 13. Possibly Maybe, 14. Play Dead, 15. It's in Our Hands

there are thngs on my brain that i caannot get out... i believe that is why i am still up at this god awful time. when i have school i n 5 hours. i had dinner with the parents they suggested not enrolling in school moving home for a month and then moving to africa for a year.... i dont know... maybe but i think you need some sort of education for the peace corps... they tell me i am miss imformed... but i heard it from various sources.

on my way home i stopped by fatappless.... it felt so small. like the park you played at as a child that you havent seen in years. i feel like i've been on coke for a long time... like yor on the verge of something great but deep down inside you know you'll never get there... at fatapples i had 10 min to get to marens for buffy so i tried to haul ass... i passes that boys house and the street that i thought dude lived on then turned... only to be struck in the face with dudes house... i thought ... "ok well at least you know not to go on this street again" but then i saw someone that looked a lot like him walking twords me..... leave it up to me to try to avoid someone and bump right fucking into them..... i fucking hate my life..... but it is true Embarassment dissapates after a while

i wish i could remember things like normal people. i try so hard to avoid embarassment and it just slaps me in the face... did i mention that i watched beaches? and the best of phil hartman? talk about depressing nights. plus buffy was disjointed and horrible but a great episode!... i can feel my parents disaproval... all i ever wanted was their aproval... even when i acted like i didn't i feel like i have dug a hole and now i have to live in it... but some people dont have to live in their holes... they find ways to fill it in... but i can't... i dont know how... i have to learn... but noone wants to stay around their holes... noone wants to take the time to help me.... so i have to learn how on my own... but i dont know where to start... i want instant gratification ... so i know that what i do will end up good... that i will end up happy.... i want to take the right path... but maybe there isnt a right path.... i dont know... i just want to beable to look people in te eye and smile... genuinely.... did i tell that i got a joy cam? i took 6 pictures of myself that i actually like... maybe i'm paying for that now with these horrible feelings....

why do i always leave on a poisionus note?

let me leave on a sort of funny note... the night i left this entry i had a dream that thatboy was in a wheelchair.... i think i am slowly getting my demons out.... i am slowly crippling disabling the power his spirit has over me... i 'm looking forward to ending it all