lately i have been going through these craxy mood swings where i will be totally in love with myself and then, at night. totally hate myself.

i think i'm just going craxy again.

that boy has been a vauge phone in part of my life. we went to the maall the other day and as we were sitting in the food court i looked over at him and said " it feels like this is the first time we are seeing eachother after a divorce. "

he laughed and smiled. it turns out that he is goingout with an 18 yearold but he claims she is just a booty call. ... oh yeah. i got really faded at a party and that boy showed up and i was drinking henessy and gin and did a little of the white bitch. i said to him when i got him alone " why wouldnt you ever get with me?" and he said " well, i thought about it but i probabbly would have never talked to you again and we are hommies. " i agreed because in my state of mind i probably wouldnt have talked to him again either and then he left. when i was sober all i could think was .... was i just blown off or was he to faded to lie? i guess i'll never know but it felt so fucking good to get that squared away..... like almost complete closure.

i think what it is is that now that i like some one i feel the need to pay attention to what i am doing.... how i act.... try to eliminate the things that i might find anoying.... i think i want to start running. the new one deserves someone smart and beautiful and good. i must loose all of this horrible horrible weight i feel like it is just bringing me down. essentially i think i just need to believe in my self. keyon says i have to be more forward and confidant.... oh it makes me so jelouse when he talks about other girls... all of his other gals have been blonde and beautiful i just wish he would love me. maren and keyon both say it is good that he doesnt love me because then i wouldnt want him anymore maybe i should ask him to act like he really really likes me and then i;ll stop liking him. oh my god it would be perfect!!! i think i might just do that. but what if i just freak him out?

that girls mom died. 15 days after diagnosis... mother fucking scary.... r,i,p, martine...