do you ever not really want something, but whe it gets snatched out from under you feel like you want it.... well thats how i feel right now....... i miss simplicity... i miss thatboy. i'm sick with a cold so i think that i will have to cancel on thatgirl tomarrow. she didnt really sound like she wanted to kick it anyway. shit.... yesterday thatgirl told me that fucking crackwhore is pregnant again.... four months and she is still blowing.... that baby is going to come out addicted to fucking heroin..... i never ever thought that i would know a fucking junkie.... let alone watch in horror as they decend into madness..... jeeze i wonder if the baby is even spooks.... or one of her johns..... fucking life...... god i hate it.......

speaking of the getto fabulous today i;m smoking outside work and who do i see...... fucking kalif (the noodle) and his brother kamal. weird....... kalif says that he has been in modesto and he is down here handling some unfinished stuff with the law...... ha!

he did look clean though.... a little fuller in the face....which is a good thing because he was a sallow looking motherfucker....... by the way... what the fuck is up with all of this swearing? maybe i'm more upset then i think.......... so we chat... i notice that his second upper teeth on either side from the middle are fuckin gold.... dumb ass. i suppose it is better than his two front teeth. he trys to be player like and even askes me for my number.....i give it to him not to be rude but.... shit.... what a fucking noodle.... maybe since he is clean he could keep it up but i dont think i ever want his scaly fucking tounge back in my mouth ever again...... uuuuggggghhhhhh.... i remember the first time after i decided to give up on him, how he tried to cuddle and all i wanted was for him to get the fuck out of my bed. get the fuck out of my house and get in his car and go back to his girlfriend.... oooohhhh ssshhhhiiitttt that was a fucked up period in my life......... oohhh but i have gone off on a tangent.

so my point is that it has been attack of the long lost boys lately... people have been comming out of the woodwork..... devon ... havent spoken to him in fucking years...... showes up. kalif..... i went to visit pat-a-rack at reel and he brings up demo...... oh the list goes on.... now all i have to do is see chepe walking twords me and then i can run screaming into the hills....... what is this message.......

hey, wake up.... you've gotten your share of dick..... or

look, give up. you will never ever get a guy to like you the way you want to be liked......

i need to stop reading into things at fucking 3 am .