i come home to my house and to my room. it smells like sweet throw up and rotting melon and shit and feet. stinky cheese feet. i hate that my house , my room smells of this and it makes me pissed off. it makes me pissed off. i am living in my head because i feel dark. and tunnled. i dont know what is going on. i'm not happy. i'm not happy. i'm not happy. i was with people. but i couldn't conform. i couldnt do it. i didnt want to be a downer but i was and i didand i wanted people. i wanted people to be on my level. to care. to ask me what was wrong. but i can't articulate it and i cant voice it. and i know it is just mercury in retrograde. i try to overcome it. i try to do unto others as they would have you do unto them. but i cant, i wont, i couldnt possibly. cos i'm selfish. i want to be the center of attention. i want to laugh. i want to hold some one tight. i want someone wo will like me the best. that i like the best. i want the voices to stop . i want the feelings to stop. i want to be happy and sunny and ok. i want everything to be ok.

i;m just so tired. i'm tired of being me. i['m tired of people expecting me to be the way that i am. i'm sick of it all. i'm tired of wishing of hope-ing to be accepted. love, welth,power. i deserve none of it, i want pot and darkness, thatboy and a bed with a t.v. and some fish.

my question to myself is, after reading diaries trying to find some kind of comfort in others . why the fuck cant i be creative? why cant i finish things that interest me. like the robert any=ton wilson book that i am readiong. like the anything that i start. what makes me become so obsessed with one project and not obsessed at all with another.

i hate my self.